Creating a Transracial Family
When my wife and I applied to be foster parents, there was a question on the application asking about our racial and ethnic preferences. Of course, we said that we would be happy to welcome a child from any racial or ethnic background. But privately, I was a little bit nervous. How could I raise a child from a different cultural background than mine? Would my child always feel like they were stuck between two worlds? Would people stare?
We eventually adopted our African American daughter from foster care in 2017. Our family is a transracial family. I still don’t have answers to some of the questions that used to keep me up at night, but I know that we can figure them out together. These are some of my experiences as a white parent raising a Black child, alongside lessons that I learned along the way.
One of the hardest things I had to learn is that the streets where I grew up are not as friendly as I remember. The most overt racism that we experienced happened in a park close to the home where I grew up. We were on the way to visit my parents for Sunday lunch when we decided to stop at a playground - mealtime would be much easier without wiggles. We played for a few minutes before a man began to ask us questions. He wanted to know where we lived and why we decided to visit the park. It was clear from his attitude that he wanted us to leave. We hadn’t done anything to draw attention except for the fact that our child was the only person of color in the park that day. We were so shocked and hurt that we left the park immediately. I don’t know if that was the “right” choice, but at that moment, I was only thinking about keeping my family safe. That day, my daughter was too young to understand what happened completely. She was sad to leave the park so early, but sadness turned to joy as soon as we walked into Grandma’s house.
We all strive to belong. We seek out people, places, and activities to form attachments. Over the years, our family has become much more purposeful about the communities where we choose to seek belonging. We look for diversity and pay attention to our differences. We live in an area where many cultures are represented. There is almost always a festival, food truck, or concert to experience something unique. We let our daughter explore as much as we can, and we let her decide where she belongs.
Naturally, this approach has led to some questions. Honest, open communication has become a vital part of our parenting responsibilities. We have age-appropriate conversations about racism, stereotypes, and micro-aggressions. We talk about how people from different cultures show respect and appreciation differently. We encourage our daughter to pay attention and ask people about their differences. We have answered questions about faith and spirituality. Sometimes, our daughter doesn’t want to talk with us about these topics. Instead, she prefers to speak to teachers, counselors, scout leaders, clergy, and others she trusts who can listen and provide perspective. One of the most important relationships for my daughter has been with her biological mother. We have an open adoption, and they talk frequently. Her biological mother tells her stories about her birth family and helps her remember and maintain connections with her culture.
Looking back, I feel a bit foolish. I was worried about raising a child who was different from me. Sure, I am a white parent raising a Black child. But I realize now that she and I are different in so many ways that I never considered before. I’ve never been a girl… Does childhood normally involve this much glitter? Nor have I ever been an only child. Not to mention, her generation has experienced a completely different childhood than the one I had. All of these things will shape her identity as she grows. Our goal is for her to feel connected to her community. We want her to have peers and mentors from all backgrounds. We also want her to feel empowered. She can express herself however she wishes as long as it is respectful. Sometimes that means she wears two different color socks. Other times that means a new hairstyle. We hope that she will use this power to speak out against injustice as she grows older.
We are not perfect parents, and this blog is not meant to self-aggrandize. We have made many mistakes, but I stopped posting the bad decisions I’ve made on the internet when I was in my 20s. If you are thinking of fostering or adopting, I encourage you to look at your community carefully. Do you have any subconscious biases? What is your family history with racism? What does racism look like where you live? You may have the same fears that I had about creating a transracial family. Recognize that your fears are legitimate, but don’t let them stop you from embracing something extraordinary.