The holidays are a time filled with laughter and good cheer. Right? Well, for many birthparents, this statement flies in the face of their actual experience during this season.  In fact, many birth parents report feelings of sadness and depression during the holiday season.  But, not just sadness, an increase in sadness, even an overwhelming feeling of sadness.  Something, or rather someone, is missing. It is easy to be decorating your tree and start to think of how great it would be to have your little one there with you to help hang the ornaments.  Or maybe you’re drinking hot cocoa and start to long for your child to drink a cup with you, laughing together because they managed to get more chocolate on their face than in their mouth.  And, of course, when you are opening presents on Christmas morning, it is easy to daydream about your mini-me tearing into their presents, seeing their face light up with joy. What can we do with all these feelings?

Expect it rather than fight.

It’s okay to not be okay!  The feelings that you are experiencing are normal.  Sometimes we add stress to ourselves because we are trying so hard to fight against what is a natural feeling.  Don’t add the guilt of “I shouldn’t feel this way” to the feelings you’re already experiencing.  It is healthy to be able to say, “I feel sad, and that’s ok.”  Feelings need to be acknowledged, but they don’t have to rule over us.

Take care of yourself.

The holidays can be stressful for everyone.  There is the stress of gift-buying, getting to holiday parties, and more.  Maybe you have to entertain family that isn’t exactly easy to deal with!  And on top of it all, you are trying to grieve the loss of your child.  Self-care during this time is very important.  Take the time to journal, listen to your favorite relaxing music, get a pedicure or take a bath.  If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by holiday demands, feel the freedom to pause, step back and find something that you can do for yourself.  It is okay to miss the 5th Ugly Sweater party you’ve been invited to and instead spend some alone, gathering your thoughts and finding your own peace of mind.

Infuse positive thinking.

I’’ve already mentioned that it is okay to not feel “positive” during this season.  But you also don’t want to let your negative feelings get away from you.  One thing that might help is to think about some positive things that are happening.  For example, when you miss your child, you might also be able to think about how much they are loved by you and their adoptive family.  Or, when you are feeling the loss of having your child in your home, you can try to remember all the reasons you chose adoption in the first place.  When a negative thought interrupts your mind, you can balance it out with a positive one.

Honor your child.

There are many ways to honor your child during the holiday season, so think about the way that works best for you.  Even though your child may be too young to understand the gesture, start doing it now.  In time, they can join you in whatever tradition you have created. Many parents enjoy doing an ornament exchange with their children.  You can make a special ornament; hang one on your tree and give one to your child.  You could also find your child a special gift, take them to look at holiday lights, or simply write them a loving note.  Rituals and traditions are what help us celebrate and survive each holiday.  Take some time this holiday season to think through what you would like your special tradition to be. 

Ask for what you need.

Communication during this time is critical.  Don’t shut down and remain silent about what you need.  Reach out to your child’s adoptive parents and ask them for a picture of your child in their Christmas outfit or with the special gift you sent them.  You can ask for an extra visit around the holiday season if you need one.  On the other hand, if a visit is approaching and you feel like it’s too much, ask to postpone the visit.

Keep communication open with close friends and family during this time. 

Make sure you have “your people” around you…those who can listen to and help you through this tough time.  If you need extra support, contact your counselor, who can help you discuss your feelings and develop some good ways to cope with this season.  But, whatever you do, don’t shut yourself off and try to handle everything by yourself.  Use your voice to ask for what you need.

We’d love to hear from you.  Tell us what you do during the holidays to survive.